


Shards of Our Past

by TheAlmightyAndPowerfulCheerio



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, POV Multiple, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, shitty coping mechanisms, the boys need help
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-05-25 21:36:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14986115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAlmightyAndPowerfulCheerio/pseuds/TheAlmightyAndPowerfulCheerio
Summary: So I didn't really wanna post this just yet, but AO3's gonna delete it tomorrow if I don't... so here it is.





	1. Pieces and Parts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I didn't really wanna post this just yet, but AO3's gonna delete it tomorrow if I don't... so here it is.

 

Kakashi doesn't like to think of himself as a whole; instead he prefers to split himself into pieces. There's his father's silver hair, which he has to shampoo and eventually cut when it gets too long. Obito’s eye- maybe the only worthwhile thing about him at this point; a blazing red sharingan to protect his comrades.

His body, which he has to feed and water, but just to the point where he doesn't pass out. This part is best for blocking fatal attacks aimed at his subordinates, and making that ever present pain, physical.

His hands, made for hurting. Made to kill enemy and comrade alike. Hands that make him what he is now- a murderer. A weapon. A menace to every living thing in his path. Especially those that call him a friend. 

There's a face that's always covered in shame, and when it isn't- is still coated in it. There's a mind there too, supposedly clever and calculating, but too full of bad thoughts to mean much. Always so _useless_ when it comes to actually being of any help. 

And then there's his heart, that awful muscle beating in his chest no matter how hard he tries to make it stop. It's so full of grief and sorrow that he can almost sense it weighing his body down.

 _Hearts are worthless_ , he thinks, staring dully at his reflection, remembering how Obito, Rin and his father had died. How their hearts had killed them in the end. And yet his heart, still won't stop its incessant beating. Still won't just let him die.

 _You're not good enough to compare yourself to them_ , he thinks, eyeing his reflection before turning away. Wondering if today will be the day he can rest. If maybe today he can stop being _scum_.

-

Tenzou stares at himself, feeling that welling of inadequacy stir in his stomach and shift towards his throat, making him choke on words he can never say.

The silver haired man is like the moon itself. And after years in the darkness, gathering scars and blemishes Tenzou is afraid of what he'll see when he steps into the light.  
He knows, in the sort of way he sometimes just _knows_ things, that this assessment is not entirely accurate or kind to himself. After all- he never asked to live, to be experimented on. But still he thinks of eyes, dead children's eyes and he turns away from the light, sickened by the sight of himself.

‘ _You have really weird eyes’_ he remembers Yugao telling him when they first met, and he couldn't agree more. He hates them. Hates the way they stare back at him, alien and scared.  
And in his dreams, the only eyes he sees are red rimmed and glassy. His own eyes placed carelessly in a jar, floating and looking not so weird by themselves.

His reflection, looking so much better with them gone, when he turns and finds the missing places they once were, he nods approvingly.

 _This way I won't have to watch_ , he tells himself in relief, and when the children start fading around him- he doesn't see a thing.

When he wakes up and looks in the mirror to see they're still there, his stomach drops.

' _Such weird eyes’_ he hears them say again and has to cover the mirror back up in shame.

-

Kakashi inspects his charge carefully, noticing with a flare of muted worry that Tenzou looks almost lifeless. He wonders if the teen’s been getting enough sleep, but realizes that's none of his business.

 _Maybe it should be_ , some part of him says. And it sounds an awful lot like Rin, so he listens to it, leaning forward to put an abetting hand on Tenzou's shoulder. And asking if something’s wrong.

Tenzou stares off, and Kakashi has a brief moment of panic because whatever's wrong with his kohai he doesn't want to know. He's not sure he can handle it.

Tenzou's easy, always has been. He's quiet and considerate and sunshiney.  
Hearing that he's not as well off as Kakashi has always believed is almost enough to make him physically ill. If something’s wrong with Tenzou… he's not so certain he can take any more responsibility- handle any more guilt.

Tenzou had been his one, shining accomplishment. So despite the fact that he's asked, he silently begs Tenzou not to be honest.

“I'm fine,” Tenzou tells him quietly and Kakashi's shoulders slump with relief, even though he knows it's a lie.  
_I'll keep an eye on him_ , he promises himself, but he knows it means nothing. He's never been able to keep his promises.

-

Tenzou wants to let the words out. Wants to tell Kakashi that at night he can't sleep from nightmares and during the day he can barely eat, or stand to look at himself. He wants to tell Kakashi he feels worthless and guilty and undeserving of even breathing. But one glance at Kakashi's face tells him what the other teen never will.

His anbu captain wears suffering like a second skin, and he looks more exhausted at the prospect of listening to Tenzou than he had after a ten day mission.

Tenzou watches him, and vows to never add a single bit of weight onto the anbu's shoulders. If he has to keep his pain to himself, so be it. He's done it for years- what's a few more decades?

“I'm fine,” he lies and the relief in Kakashi's eye makes his heart hurt in the sort of way that always leads to him staying up all night to practice his jutsu. Practicing for hours to better himself. Practicing until he passes out from exhaustion by the tall oaks that shadow the least used training ground. His dreams are full of a sad grey eye, and blood, on those nights.

And when he wakes up he drags himself towards the showers and then on to practice. Masquerading like nothing’s wrong. And in his mind, it isn't.

-

Kakashi doesn't keep his promise to check on Tenzou. But at this point he's not very surprised by it. In fact he's not surprised by anything these days. Feels such an overwhelming numbness that sometimes he has to check if he's even still alive.

He doesn't check in with Tenzou though. Doesn't look too close to see if he's doing alright, if the bags under his eyes are gone. Doesn't ask when he stops by one night and finds his kohai's apartment’s empty.

He should worry- he cares for Tenzou, after all. But it's a distanced sort of care. A muffled affection that he can't bare to expand. So when he sees Tenzou’s apartment vacant far too late at night, he thinks dully that it's strange and promptly forgets it.

Tenzou looks haggard, but everyone looks haggard in anbu, so he doesn't mention it. Doesn't make any attempt to delve into his kohai's personal life. He's completing missions perfectly, and that's all that matters.

It's Raidou that asks him quietly if something’s going on.

“What do you mean?” Kakashi asks, not looking up from the page he's filling in.  
Raidou eyes him closely, like he's expecting something from him, but Kakashi has nothing left to give.  
And even less patience.

“Tenzou's performing perfectly fine,” he says dismissively, and with that Raidou's leaving, his footfalls ringing in the drafty room.

Tenzou doesn't show up for practice the next day, Kakashi spares a brief look around before shrugging and continuing.

He can't be blamed for Tenzou ditching mandatory training, and if he lets himself think about it he’ll make himself sick with worry. Because Tenzou's _never_ missed a single training- but he doesn't let himself think on it.

What he's slightly wary about is that Genma and Raidou are also missing.

The conversation he'd had with Raidou flashes briefly to mind before he brushes it aside. He's an anbu captain- not a babysitter. Anyway, Tenzou's _fine_. He's always been fine.

-

Tenzou stares sullenly at the two older anbu, shifting uncomfortably at their question. They've caught him at a particularly bad time. He's covered in dirt and hasn't eaten all day. And is nearly passed out standing up.

“For fucks sake- sit down, kid.” Genma instructs, and actually pushes him onto his couch.

Tenzou eyes them warily; they're older than Kakashi-senpai, and rougher around the edges, but their gazes are too concerned, too heavy. Too _knowing_.  
He hadn't been shown compassion for a long time, and the sight of it makes something in his stomach sour.

“I'm completing my missions, aren't I?” he questions, and knows he's being too disrespectful, too guarded. They watch him pityingly and it only serves to make him squirm more.  
Raidou runs a tired hand through his short hair.

“I've already told Lord Hiruzen he has to bench you and Kakashi. You'll be going to mandatory therapy and psych evals. There's nothing else to discuss Ten-kun.”

“I don't _need_ therapy,” he seethes, “as long as I can kill people I'm useful- right? But as soon as I'm not-”

“This isn't Root,” Genma reminds him firmly, a warm hand turning his face up. “You're more to us as a functioning human than an emotionless tool. We're doing this because it's for the best. You and Kakashi… well- you should know. You'll get yourselves killed if you keep this up. As is we've already reported him for negligence-”

“Negligence- for _what_!?”

“For you,” Raidou replies evenly, “he's a captain, it's his job to see to it that none of his subordinates need... _counseling_. He blatantly ignored every single warning sign in the rule book.”

“I'm fine,” Tenzou hisses and Genma can't help but think he's just as much of a cat as his mask, like a baby panther. Backed into a corner and trying to sink his claws into the familiar, even if Kakashi’ll drag him to his death. “You didn't need to bring Kakashi-senpai into this.”

Genma shakes his head in disbelief.

“He's not fit to be captain.” he says decidedly and ignores Tenzou's hostility, confident this is for the best. “He's putting everyone’s lives in danger. He's putting _your_ life in danger. I admire your loyalty. But Kakashi isn't someone you should expect to be loyal to you. He _purposely_ ignored you because he didn't want to deal with you. And Raidou and I _won't_ stand for that.”  
Tenzou's mouth goes dry at the emotion in Genma’s voice. “I've seen enough kids die for this village- I'm not letting you be another Tenzou. Even if I have to haul you to therapy every goddamn day for the rest of my life- hear me?”

Tenzou nods mutely, his throat closing up.

Raidou moves closer to him, wrapping warm, strong arms around him, solid and unmoving. When Tenzou looks up into his eyes, there is only a warm affection waiting for him, none of the pain a grey eye held. And when he falls unconscious a second later, the only eyes he sees are Genma and Raidou’s; warm and kind and brimming with compassion. And he sleeps better than he has in years.

-

Kakashi glares at his two teammates.

“Where’s Tenzou?” he demands, and _knows_ his voice is too rough with emotion, not strong and emotionless like a captain's should be. But he doesn't give a damn. 

“We can't tell you- Lord Hiruzen’s orders.” Raidou responds calmly, and it's the first time Kakashi has ever hated the other man.  
And it's a few seconds before he realizes he's activated his sharingan and is more than willing to use it.

“It's funny you're so concerned about him now.” Genma snipes, and the accusation in his tone hits Kakashi like a slap to the face. “Considering you didn't give a damn about him before.”

Kakashi stares at him, his whole body hurting, because how can he possibly explain that he _does_ care? That he cares so much it nearly tore him to pieces to see Tenzou hurting.

That he just wasn't strong enough to take it- would've preferred to gouge his own eyes out with kunai than see that hollowness in Tenzou's eyes. How can he explain that he couldn't live in a world where Tenzou, his only source of light and reassurance, was tarnished?

He’s a coward, always has been- and if that cowardice had killed Tenzou. His good, sweet, devoted kohai-  
He moves towards the Hokage tower so fast he can barely feel his legs.

 _This must be what it felt like for sensei_ , he thinks. Moving so fast, feeling this much _protectiveness_. This much fear and worry eating at his soul like it'll devour him whole. The thought isn't an upsetting one.

He gets to the Hokage's in a matter of seconds, storming through and ignoring the anbu guards who try to stop him.

“Tell me what happened to Tenzou,” he growls, making Hiruzen's head lift. The expression he wears is one of sad resignation, a face he'd worn when Orochimaru and Danzou had first betrayed him. Kakashi knows from experience it's one that tells of no good.

“Tenzou’s….” Hiruzen sighs, and doesn't continue. Instead looking down at his desk, clearly troubled. But Kakashi can't give a damn if he's troubled or not- he still hasn't given a report on Tenzou.

“Tell me he’s okay- _please_ , I just need to know he's alright.”

“I can't tell you that- Frankly, Tenzou's not alright Kakashi. Tenzou’s-”  
Lord Hiruzen's mouth keeps moving, but Kakashi can't hear a single word he’s saying.

 _Dead._  
_Tenzou’s… dead_. He keeps thinking over and over, his pulse so loud in his own ears it's nearly deafening. _And it's your fault._

“Kakashi,” the third Hokage's voice grows louder, “Kakashi would you like to join him?”

His whole chest feels broken and empty and it's the most he's felt in the last year- because he wants nothing more than to join Tenzou.

“Yes,” he croaks, “ _please._ ” And prays to Kami, Hiruzen is actually going to kill him this time around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This piece varies a lot from my usual stuff. But it's intentionally a bit choppy. As it progresses it'll get more and more cohesive. So if it bothers you, just know it (hopefully) gets better.  
> As always, thanks for reading and lemme know what you think! :D


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really short and shitty and definitely not what you deserve... but it's something. As soon as I finish this round of exams I'll go back through and give it the attention it deserves. XD right now I can only think in chem.

When he wakes up, it takes him a long time to figure out that he is not, in fact, dead.  
It's warm and light and not at all what he was hoping for.

“Hello Kakashi,” a woman says gently and he realizes his throat’s too dry to respond, and his heart too heavy to force a smile, so he just stares. “My name's Mae, I run this facility-”  
Finally he finds his voice, sitting up and flinging the blankets off of him

“-what happened to Tenzou?”

She blinks in surprise at him, her sentence cutting off as she gives him an intrigued glance.

“I'm not at liberty to discuss other patients.”  
Usually Kakashi is above threatening civilians, but not this time. Fully prepared to activate his sharingan. He pauses as her words sink in.

“Patients?” he echoes, eyeing the yellow walls distrustfully.

“Yes _patients_ ,” she agrees, “this is the psych sector of anbu.”

“Tenzou's a patient here?”

She raises a brow.

“Like you he was ordered here by Lord Third under Raidou and Genma san’s suggestion.”

“So he's still alive?”  
He can see just how shocked she is at his question.

“Well of course, yes. But I'm afraid he's not in a very good state mentally.”

“But he's _alive_?”

“Did someone tell you otherwise?”

But Kakashi ignores her, so relieved, he passes out again.

-

“Wake up sleeping beauty,”

Kakashi bolts upright, gaze wild as he searches out the person who's woken him up. He can smell pine trees and sunshine on them, a scent only belonging to one person.

“Tenzou,” he immediately demands, although he isn't quite sure what it is he’s demanding.  
The man raises an eyebrow, looking at once both exasperated and amused.

“You've got a pretty one track mind there kid. And technically I'm not supposed to tell you anything about other patients… but if you behave- I'll make an exception considering your uh, circumstances.”  
Kakashi doesn't quite have it in him to ask what those _circumstances_ might be, so he merely nods.  
“On a scale from one to ten, what's your mood- ten being amazing, one being awful.”  
Kakashi frowns, _psych evals_.

“Four,” he replies evenly, making the other man frown.

“You nearly had an aneurysm when I first came in- I'm putting down 2.”  
Kakashi glares as the man makes a mark on his paper.

“How many of these questions are there?”

The man grins back, unphased.

“Lucky for you, only twenty. 19 more and you'll find out about Tenzou.”  
And so reluctantly Kakashi answers his questions.

“Alright,” the man says once he’s done, “if you're feeling up to it you can go speak with him.”  
In an instant Kakashi is out of the bed, not even caring that he’s only in a pair of pajama pants and a mask.  
“You're gonna go out like that?”  
When Kakashi makes no move to change the medic sighs and pushes the door open.

Kakashi doesn't even need the man to guide him to where his kohai is, he can smell him clearly and follows the scent to a small room. There are other people in it, but he only cares about one.

Tenzou is staring pensively out the window when he enters, his expression clouded with a faint annoyance.  
When Kakashi steps inside his gaze immediately shifts up, eyes widening when he catches sight of Kakashi.  
Before Tenzou can so much as speak Kakashi is tugging him into a tight hug.

“Uh, senpai?” Tenzou asks carefully, hugging his captain back lightly. Kakashi squeezes him tighter, thanking Kami he hadn't lost another one.

“Tenzou,” Kakashi says back, his voice flooded with emotion, flooded with affection at the sight of his perfectly alive kohai. “You're not dead,” he breathes with so much relief he nearly goes boneless.

Tenzou stiffens in his arms before pulling away, his brown eyes angry.

“They told you I was dead?”  
And the spark of protectiveness in his eyes reminds Kakashi so much of Kushina that he can barely breath. Let alone shake the thought of Tenzou with dark red hair out of his mind. 

“Not… exactly,” he manages, “I may have come to some slightly radical conclusions, when no one would tell me what was going on.”

Tenzou's expression clears some.

“I'm sorry I worried you,” he tells his captain guiltily.  
Kakashi shakes his head, pulling Tenzou back against him.

“Senpai- why aren't you wearing a shirt?” Tenzou questions, a blush crawling up his neck.  
Kakashi blinks before laughing.

“Openness breeds familiarity, doesn't it?” he teases.  
Tenzou's eyebrows raise before he shifts some.

“Alright, Kakashi I need you to come with me. You can see Tenzou as long as you listen.”

Feeling a bit like he's back in the academy he follows and is ushered into a bathroom. Remembering how thirsty he is he drinks from the faucet and eyes himself reproachfully in the mirror. Thinking vaguely that he looks absolutely awful. And finally pausing long enough to realize exactly how fucked he is. He's in the _psychiatric_ ward.


End file.
